Mouth of the South: The Bojangles’ Bo’round Experience

For the life of me, I can’t understand why Bojangles only gives you 5 Bo’rounds. I think it’s quite rude. It’s a teaser, if you will, and shouldn’t be treated as a side.

If you have an order of Bo’rounds right now, I want you to reach for one out of your bag or box (it doesn’t matter). Go ahead … Grab the side of it and squeeze it a tad bit. See the grease? I promise that fat won’t hurt you. No … It’s just a little vegetable oil. Smell it. [Inhales] Ok ok so now part your lips ….

Wait!!!

Where’s the honey mustard? Spot that thing or die!

Spotted. Whew …

You’re safe. No worries. “Copy that.” Now take a deep breath. Oh yes you’re about to experience greatNESS.

DAMMITMANNNN … I guess you gotta put down the Bo’round to open up the honey mustard. How inconvenient! Here’s an idea. If someone else is in the room, smile and politely ask him/her: “Do you mind opening up my honey mustard?” Please don’t say this to your momma, boys and girls. It could come off … well … you know. Anyway.

Fast forward … your honey mustard is opened now. Hopefully he/she cared enough to take off the entire top, so you may dip your Bo’round without struggle. If not, they don’t really care about you. If this is your significant other, be prepared for break-up because they don’t understand how to peel back your top. And that my friend IS A DEALBREAKER!

So how’s your breathing? Are you stable? Stable enough to eat … Solids? Great.

Now continue to grab your Bo’round and … start ben ding .. your arm … In sloooowwww … Mo ‘shunn …. positioning for dunk. Like a real [your favorite b-ball player here] slam dunk. And right now, at this very moment, I want you to dunk that Bo’round hard. Make it count.

At this point, your significant other, your friend, greasy grandma, cousin may stare at you. It’s ok. They’ve yet to experience the Bo’round. They don’t understand you like I do. It’s far few of us than I once thought. We’re an elite nation. No one knows where we operate; they just know that Bo’rounds are in order!!!

Ok so you’ve dunked. Good job.

Now gobble that thing up. Show that Bo’round who’s boss. Commence yelling: “Get in myyyyy belllyyyyy.” Do a crazy dance like you’re having a seizure. If at all possible, get out of your seat and shout. Do a shouting dance. Like you just attended church dance …. Like you just saved-money-on-your-car-insurance dance … Like the-family-member-who-owes-you-money-just-paid-you-back dance …

Finally, just stand there, feet together, shoulders up and parallel, hands in prayer mode, eyes closed and bend forward while saying affirmations. Like these:

“Thank you, God.”

“Namaste.”

[Insert your affirmation here]

[Do it again]

Ok now hurry up … Hurrieeeee Hurrreeeeeee …. Andddddddddddddddddddd “sit yo’ ass down and eat those Bo’rounds. They gettin’ cole.”

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