The Persecution of my Gentle-Man Caller

Real life and real dating, incident 1, 2, and 3. Are you ready for this?!

Incident 1: So I’m seeing someone, and I am reluctant to commit. Commitment feels like imprisonment. On the threshold of commitment, where my singleness ends, I began worrying about just how many mood swings I must endure, how often will we argue, how heated will our disagreements become, his potential controlling habits, and his unforeseen anger. Then I’ll start piecing his behavioral patterns together, assessing what he looks and sounds like when he lies or feels guilty. Seemingly, these are negative thoughts. But I have logical explanation for it; they come from real life experiences. I’ve developed very ‘tried and true’ techniques. As in ‘I tried that shit, and it wasn’t true.” Thus, that’s the reason I gotta move on. Now that right there, moving on, I’m good at it, especially when it’s ‘Solo, Dolo.’

Ok, so let’s talk first incident. I’ve already sought permission, so don’t worry this person can handle this post. Ok, first incident … Incident is a technical term, so don’t read into it. Ok, first incident occurred this past weekend.

My ‘friend’ wanted to do dinner, casual cookout, at my parents. Now I had no intentions of asking him. I was merely telling him my dinner plans, and he asked: “Are you inviting me to dinner?” lol. That’s how that happened. Me: “Well I wasn’t asking you to dinner … But do you think you might be up for that? At my parents?” Him: “Yes.”

Now wait, I hadn’t committed to dude yet exclusively. But I thought, “hey this could be a turning point.” So we agreed that he could come for dinner after our talk.

Then I thought again. I had a question. So I called back and asked him something more serious, “Of all the women you introduced me to which women did you have sex with?” The stuttering had begun, ladies and gentleman. It was hilarious. Then he began to answer my question with a question. Deflecting and guilt. He refused to answer that question. In fact, he was willing to sacrifice our relationship to protect these women.

There, in that moment, I drew the following conclusion. Either the stakes were too high for him to tell me and it’s worth sacrificing new ground for old (yes good inference) or you really don’t like me that much. And if either is this case, you shouldn’t be meeting my parents. Just by his choices alone, avoiding transparency and not willing to build a circle of trust by seizing the opportunity to share pertinent info with a potential partner told me all I needed to know about him in that moment.

Now sure he wanted to throw in his “I’m in it for the long-term speech.” And his “that any ADULT wouldn’t care.” that mug just patronized me. I can’t!!

Here’s the thing: I cannot be blind sighted. I’m a tough crowd, big personality, and smart. Everyone isn’t a fan, that being so. Knowing that, I’m aware. And I like to be ‘in the know.’ I’m a writer. It’s purely journalistic behavior. When you jeopardize that, I become more guarded and withdraw interest. Because making me unaware is like gouging out my eyes. And I just cannot walk around like that.

Think I was wrong?! Have questions? Ask them here. You don’t have to login to make comments. I appreciate the read!

Incidents 2 and 3 are for the ‘morrow. Real people, real incidents. Lol. My dating life, your entertainment.


3 thoughts on “The Persecution of my Gentle-Man Caller

  1. The question about “previous” sexual discretions was impromptu. Of course the average male would be caught off guard and hesitate to answer that. It’s been most of our experiences that answering that type of question leads to problems…..

  2. Love this Post “NikkiP”…I find it interesting that [in my experience of course] some men find it diffcult to disclose at almost anytime, when they are “caught off guard” This is 2012, we are all big boys and girls and thusly, should all diplomatically and respectably be able to ask various adult questions during the building phase an association.

    There was a time when “how many children do you have”‘ used to be an “awkward” question…now-a-days that’s like asking is “it raining outside?”. It might be taboo to ask a guy “so, have you ever been with or desired to be with a man”, but [sorry fellas] it is a necessary evil. As long as the words “down-low” and “bi” exists the whole “how dare you, I just broke up with my girlfriend 3 months ago…I’m alllll man” look [you give me] means abso-friggin-lutely nothin’. In comparison, I can, however, recall a guy who felt we were “cool enough” to chat about my favorite positions after only associating for like a week. Now that is a bit much. However, if I was diggin’ on him enough, hey…I’m grown and it’s ok to be a little flirtatious at times, right?. Now as a woman, I don’t want him to think I am wide open like that, but I don’t want him to think I am sexually repressed…what to do, what to do? So, I told him “we have plenty of time to get in to all of that…sex stuff is easy”, but I will say this…” and gave him one quick flirty answer. Just as I predicted…he took that and ran…In assuming he could persuade me to disclose more and trying to tap into any potential insecurities I have as a single woman [which at 35, very few], he asked more questions, that I felt were not appropriate for 1 week in. “Come on,” he says, “we are grown…its really no big deal”. But it is and I simply did not feel like going into all of that [and am not obligated to explain why]. I would imagine this might be true for both men and women in some cases, so I can empathize all the same. Just respectfully decline or say you are not quite up for that line of questioning right now [be real with folks]. If the connection is there, they will be just as interseted tommorow to find out and will be comfortable and respectful of boundaries as the relationship grows. “You shouldn’t count one out becuase they are not in your headspace at the same time you are”, just play it by ear and enjoy the convo until the topic is revisisted.

    I agree that various questions generally come at certain stages, but the only two people to determine a particular stage is the couple themselves. If the vibes are definitely decent, but still a little chill just yet…maybe hold off on certain topics…but if you are cool enough for me to [perhpas in your mind, casually] introduce to you to my parents at a family-anything…or cool enough for me to be added to your stable of women by getting the good ride on one night, then both [men and women] should be able to reciprocate a couple of simple [all-be-it uncomfortable] questions. In short…those who can dish it out, should be able to take just the same.

  3. Man…this post brought back scary memories…it has a little hint of crazy in it, not gonna front. I get the whole “meeting the parents” is a big step in the dating process. But you totally blindsided dude. Yet you go on to say you don’t want to be blindsided. Of course he stumbled on the question. Why do you need to know who he’s slept with? You’re the one now. Plus yall aren’t even committed yet. That’s not fair to him. Plus it’s been my experience that when you tell a woman WHO you’ve slept with it causes more problems instead of easing fears. Yea that random woman that your girl doesn’t really care about is gonna all of a sudden be an issue once she found out you slept with her. Even if yall have absolutely no contact anymore. But let’s say you’re not the jealous type, then there’s the “oh he slept with her so he must think this about me” thoughts. Whether that comparison is positive or negative it’s not good. If you are the star player on the team, there’s no need to worry about who was on the team before you. Especially if it’s not gonna affect your situation presently (ie she’s not a baby mama).

    I really think this boils down to pride though. You don’t want to be digging a guy and suddenly find out a woman has had a piece of your prize. I mean i get it. But I still think it’s ludicrous. Chances are you aren’t the first person to be with him and you probably won’t be the last. You don’t want to get into a relationship that’s a competition between you and the ghosts of his past. That’s a fool’s game.

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