I encountered an elderly lady, few weeks back, and she told me something as if it were laid on her heart by God. As it if Moses himself had appeared in a fiery bush to advise her to say this very thing to me.
As we sat at the kitchen table, tying up conversations about family and explaining whatever happened to so-n-so, she looked at me with her big weary brown eyes. I could feel the heat of her focus stemming from her soul. And she said “If you keep your hand closed, nothing can come in it and nothing can leave.” And she formed a fist.
Stalemate came to mind. Then I had a few other cognitive processes. None of which I care to mention here. Only because most of them were vague ideas.
Logically, I feel a natural need to preserve número UNO. If I don’t take good care of myself, in every capacity, how can I help others?
You must know I didn’t respond with nothing but a nod. And I started mentally counting all the giving I currently do and have done. It seemed enough. Heck, “it is enough” was my next thought.
I really can’t imagine giving much else time or money away on anything. So what was she talking about? What I should’ve done was asked what inspired her to tell me such things. You know old people have a strong tendency to be random and delusional. Yet having heard her speak, dating ancient occurrences and such, I knew she had to be all there. So at the time, I counted it as a precious moment and took it with a grain of salt. A way to be careful yet not dismissive.
From as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a giver, assisting others in their endeavors, inspiring them to see the realities of their situations, being a confidant. All of that requires resources. And in its in that giving, that I became burnt out and detached. What’s wrong with focusing on me? I decided the principal investment shall be given to me. Principal, primary and sole!
But to my dismay, there’s been turbulence in my … Hell you guessed it, in my personal life. I honestly can tell you that I can’t stand to give a single damn about anything in that realm. And I really don’t want to, yet I’m not getting anything worth fighting for in return. “I just want what I want the way I want it.” I could spell those wants out to you. Then again, they’re kind of absurd.
The image of the elderly woman holding up her closed fist came to mind this afternoon. Aww shit!! She was speaking about my heart. Indeed it was her left hand. Finally, I was able to tie these two objects together to complete the tale, the message, she intended for me to get which I believe can be summed in a quote:
“Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.” –Closer(movie)
Indeed, the quote from my favorite movie, one of which I have two copies of, appeared to resolve the instinctive notion that the good Lord is trying to me something.
Stubborn as it is, I want to tell the Lord “in my own time.” But will I?