I wake up every morning to the usual–emails, instagram notices, and Twitter alerts. Last Thursday, I woke up to an out-of-the-ordinary … a white guy sending a special texts– “Good morning, Nikki. Wishing you a wonderful day.” text. I thought nothing of it … (at first) but to be polite and thank this … guy. Then he went on to ask if he was being too forward. I never thought wishing someone a wonderful day as “forward.” So I replied. Then he goes off to text “What I meant was … ok fine … you are the best thing since sliced bread. You’re beautiful. And … I just couldn’t contain myself … I had to tell you …” There’s more that involves keywords “pouring” and “thick.” I didn’t even tell my boyfriend. You guys and gals are the first to hear about it. It kind of got a bit … hmm what do you call it? … vulgar. I had to stop him …
Here’s the thing, I didn’t mind the flattery. I don’t believe any woman does. However, he really laid it all out there … just out of the blue. I had no idea on how to react. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, discouraging him from confidently approaching other women. Damage control. But I wanted him to know that he could not go on like this …
…especially when I’m … HIS … client. White guys don’t go flirting with Nikki and laying your heart’s desires all ecstatically on the first approach. It’s overwhelming. You gotta learn how to build up to it. Where’s the beginning? Where’s the climax? Then lay out your heart’s desire.
In all honesty, I’m all about expression. You should find several ways to express yourself. However, don’t go expressing your every thought when approaching any man/woman, possible love interest, for the first time. White guys … you don’t have to do this with Nikki. Ease into the situation with consistency and then lay it on her … or approach her in person with a compliment and then enjoy an intriguing conversation.
When White Guys Go Flirting with Nikki, don’t OVERWHELM her in your approach.
Besides … she’s simply unavailable.
Last night, I ventured to Wet Willie’s, NC Music Factory, for the Where is the Love Forum. Here, about 30 people gathered to discuss dating and social media. This well organized forum was co-hosted by fellow blogger Shameika of MofoChronicles.
Why is dating and finding love such an enigma? It sure didn’t seem that way during Bible times. It seemed as if God placed certain Biblical couples together for purpose. For an example, we might consider Adam & Eve. No matter what you think about Eve, she had purpose. And on a more serious note, “Are you dating an Eve?”
Purpose! Aha! Now that’s one thing I hadn’t considered up until now. Are we dating for God’s purpose or our own?
Well, while you’re pondering purpose, have a look at our questions from last night’s forum. Feel free to answer them using the comments field just below the post.
Where is the Love Forum will be held tentatively on September 12 at Wet Willie’s. For more updates, see MofoChronicles.
I’m often teased by my girlfriends about my slight love for white guys. I understand that my girlfriends are down for the brothers long-term and can’t find the je ne sais quoi in any man who isn’t black.
I, on the other hand, find attraction across color lines. Men are men. If he can imbibe with my rhythm, he might can hang! Like K Michelle says about Olympian Ryan Locte in a recent interview, “Ryan’s a good time … A lot of fun. And he’s a good friend.” You should’ve seen her Cheshire grin and big eyes? She’s digging him.
And sure women are drawn to men who have charisma, swag, Olympians, hot rappers and singers, etc. Lol. Yet we also want someone who knows how to have a good time, who isn’t self-conscious about his every move … particularly while out.
Last night, I met a cute white guy with a Seinfield sense of humor. I like to laugh, so it worked for a brief moment.
Then he did the forbidden … he touched my HAIRRRR and smoothed it away from my eye.
Ok so I know what I just said about calculated moves, so this comes off contradictory. But …
You just can’t go around touching a black woman’s hair all Willy Neely. We spend hours in the salon. Primping and pressing. Spraying and glossing. Freezing and gelling. Lawd!!! What was he thinking? It was all good up until then …
My involuntary muscles grouped together and conspired a frown against his innocent yet naive gesture.
Anywho after my reaction, he backed down and found his place with his company.
Ok so … Umm … Just a little advice for the white guys and guys in general. Should you ever find yourself with me at a bar … In the middle of the street … Wherever … And we’re grinning and taking a liking to one another, don’t you dare touch my hair!!!
… Now that it’s off my chest. I feel free to gallivant Charlotte tonight, knowing that enough people will read this and spread the word!
Here’s to a good night of flirting …
Ok; this morning he is the not so persecuted gentleman caller. I know. Don’t call me a sucker for love just yet because I …
1) Explained to him that when things are important to me, they should be important to him
… And that’s exactly how I treat his interests. Fortunate for me, I was able to provide an example to prove my point. For men, I’ve learned long ago that examples are important. They’ve got to see the picture in order to get it!
2) I received some truth which was sufficient in this case. So I’m not trippin’ about that. And in this instance, I explained the importance of building a trust circle. He agreed. Then I received confirmation of what I already suspected. As juicy as this truth is; it could complicate things if not careful.
Oooh I’ve got your wheels turning now. Win!!! And …
3) Well 3 is the magic number, so I had to use it. Lol. No, I’m kidding. At the end of our heart-to-heart, I was satisfied with the peace that was made between us. So we’re moving on, happily.
Ok, so that’s my follow up on my gentleman caller. Have you any questions?! Comments?! Holler at me. 😉
Real life and real dating, incident 1, 2, and 3. Are you ready for this?!
Incident 1: So I’m seeing someone, and I am reluctant to commit. Commitment feels like imprisonment. On the threshold of commitment, where my singleness ends, I began worrying about just how many mood swings I must endure, how often will we argue, how heated will our disagreements become, his potential controlling habits, and his unforeseen anger. Then I’ll start piecing his behavioral patterns together, assessing what he looks and sounds like when he lies or feels guilty. Seemingly, these are negative thoughts. But I have logical explanation for it; they come from real life experiences. I’ve developed very ‘tried and true’ techniques. As in ‘I tried that shit, and it wasn’t true.” Thus, that’s the reason I gotta move on. Now that right there, moving on, I’m good at it, especially when it’s ‘Solo, Dolo.’
Ok, so let’s talk first incident. I’ve already sought permission, so don’t worry this person can handle this post. Ok, first incident … Incident is a technical term, so don’t read into it. Ok, first incident occurred this past weekend.
My ‘friend’ wanted to do dinner, casual cookout, at my parents. Now I had no intentions of asking him. I was merely telling him my dinner plans, and he asked: “Are you inviting me to dinner?” lol. That’s how that happened. Me: “Well I wasn’t asking you to dinner … But do you think you might be up for that? At my parents?” Him: “Yes.”
Now wait, I hadn’t committed to dude yet exclusively. But I thought, “hey this could be a turning point.” So we agreed that he could come for dinner after our talk.
Then I thought again. I had a question. So I called back and asked him something more serious, “Of all the women you introduced me to which women did you have sex with?” The stuttering had begun, ladies and gentleman. It was hilarious. Then he began to answer my question with a question. Deflecting and guilt. He refused to answer that question. In fact, he was willing to sacrifice our relationship to protect these women.
There, in that moment, I drew the following conclusion. Either the stakes were too high for him to tell me and it’s worth sacrificing new ground for old (yes good inference) or you really don’t like me that much. And if either is this case, you shouldn’t be meeting my parents. Just by his choices alone, avoiding transparency and not willing to build a circle of trust by seizing the opportunity to share pertinent info with a potential partner told me all I needed to know about him in that moment.
Now sure he wanted to throw in his “I’m in it for the long-term speech.” And his “that any ADULT wouldn’t care.” that mug just patronized me. I can’t!!
Here’s the thing: I cannot be blind sighted. I’m a tough crowd, big personality, and smart. Everyone isn’t a fan, that being so. Knowing that, I’m aware. And I like to be ‘in the know.’ I’m a writer. It’s purely journalistic behavior. When you jeopardize that, I become more guarded and withdraw interest. Because making me unaware is like gouging out my eyes. And I just cannot walk around like that.
Think I was wrong?! Have questions? Ask them here. You don’t have to login to make comments. I appreciate the read!
Incidents 2 and 3 are for the ‘morrow. Real people, real incidents. Lol. My dating life, your entertainment.
Below are actual pull-quotes stated by men … during recent dates. Lol. Comedy or tragedy? You be the judge. However, I must say I appreciated their efforts to make me smile or laugh. Enjoy.
“Sexy, intelligent dark chocolate femininity wrapped in a red carpet-ready dress of elegance.”
The above is my all-time favorite one. Just the “dark chocolate” portion is hot! You know dark chocolate is good for your health? I’m just saying. Good use of adjectives.
“Oh you’re a writer? I used to write Haiku poems back in da day. What’s that 5 stanzas?”
He tried. A Haiku poem has three lines. First line comprised of 5 syllables. Second line has 7. Last line has five syllables as the first.
Whether they’re trying to impress you or cuff you, there isn’t much men won’t say … Or do!! 🙂 And even though, we, women, might find their sayings and philosophies silly, I’m sure we can agree that their sincerity is part endearing.
It happens in 3s. But when I discuss pyramid action, I’m always referring to taking care of the mind, body, and spirit with exercise and treatment. However, my definition of pyramid action has failed me once again. Or maybe not. And my 3s theory seemed to have manifested itself dead-smack in the middle of my damned weekend.
On Friday, I was stood up … and for the first time. Not by someone with hella-swag and a million dollar smile. That’s the resentment talking. I hadn’t planned this 2ND date that I waited all week for with my typical type. Instead, he is a nerdy, sarcastic son-of-a-gun who knows more about sports (I’m guessing) than I could ever imagine. A man who is faintly over his ex-fiancee, a woman who stood him up days before the wedding. Perhaps, he was paying his respects to her by sending this energy my way, a peculiar homage I’d call it. No phone call and no show. Ironically … and especially when there’s Facebook, Twitter, email, and (ah hah!!) my phone number. Yet he couldn’t find the words, the characters, or the numbers.
On Saturday, I woke up to an abrupt tap on my window. The clock read 3:44a. I was sound asleep; the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. No mid-night awakenings and no scary movies haunting my theta waves. It was just me and some loud snoring. However, the “rat-a-tat-tat” sounded on my window. Women should never live on the first floor, need I mind you. I was startled, so I managed to breathe quietly and not make any sudden movements. A few rings and a text message later, I find that it’s my ex. The one I dated back in college. The hell?!! Text message read: “… Will you come talk to me?” Felt like I was being stalked by a night zombie. Bloodsuckers. I’m not sure what the passion for this ole Nikki is about. At times I feel flattered that people hang on to me so dearly, needing me and pleading their cases. But it has become exhausting over the years, most intensely over the past few months. As they say, “I can’t.” So I didn’t respond to his knocks at my window which persisted over 30 minutes or dared to meet him the next day. I decided, as I always do, that mingling with any exes is a lost cause. A charity meant for newcomers.
Later on that evening, I figured that I opt out of reading and writing and enjoy being 20-something uptown with a friend for dinner. After a few spirits, I found myself in a scream-fest with a friend I hadn’t spoke to in a month or so. I should have known better since I have this “never spend too much time in one place” rule. I know this excerpt doesn’t actually make sense because you’re probably wondering what was all the yelling for … That’s not the point. And then there’s another character–an old man, a deviation from the truth and a cold shoulder. I need not say much more. Beyond what I could see that night, I felt an inner convection of emotion, a rise and fall of anger, rage, and relief.
Now … I’ve gone through this story a million times already, rehearsed the emotions of every scene. Yet I couldn’t figure it out. “Why did this all occur in a single weekend? And what’s the meaning of all this? It’s simply not coincidental, since it came in the form of 3s.” And now writing this, I remember not the spokesman but the message “The world is tilt off its axis.” At that time, this insert of information was out of place … or so I thought. A silly remark in midst of perilous times. It didn’t register immediately; the message had been drown by my very own heartbeat.
Looking back on the comment, I’ve found meaning. I’m the world and the axis is God. My energy isn’t in sync with Him; and every time that happens, I will find myself out-of-place, exhausted, over-extending myself, and in abusive situations or creating poor habits. My energy is just completely off … Then, I asked myself: “When was the last time I prayed without ceasing?” Distractions have detracted from my spiritual self.
I exercised my mind and body all week yet neglected the spirit. Thus, set out for me was my very own, custom-designed, mind-boggling obstacle course … unexpectedly for the weekend.
This one is for the books. And I just had to share, so hear it goes …
So I went to the gym today for a normal leg workout. And since I’ve been back on the scene as a single woman, sometimes I work out with the fellas including a trainer who I’ve known for years. At these gym jams, men just say the darnest things. I’ve pretty much heard it all, but here’s one that I could share. So one of the guys had the audacity to ask me: “What do you prefer light skin men or dark skin men?” This is the second time this has come up within the past two weeks. With this question, I just thought that this guy is pretty narrow minded to think that I prefer black men, at all. After all, that’s who he’s referencing in his question. So I, in turn, said to him “I like all men. But what about their character?” And so the other guys were like “You’re not going to win this debate; it’s Denise who you are asking.” So he went on to say that he’s from Union County, NJ, and he prefers light skin women over darker ones because he went to school where majority of the students were white. “Huh, dude?”
So guess what happens next? Yes, if you know me, then you know I go really hard especially about hot button topics, and I thrive off heated debates. I went on to make statements and arguments surrounding self-loathing, self-hatred, prejudices, and the like. I mean ’bout time I finished my 4 reps of squats that he could not do, by the way, this debate was shut down by Yours Truly. I had a good time. And I didn’t judge him, I wanted to provoke his train of thought. I did; it was evident by the end of the debate. But really, why are we STILL having this conversation in 2k11?
So I’m here to ask all of my readers … what do you prefer? Do you limit yourself to a cultural group because of say … your upbringing or does it even matter? I’d love to hear it! You’re free to say whatever you like. After all, it’s your world.