Last night, I found myself venturing to several internet cafes with David (my boyfriend). I had to complete a quiz, and he had something for work. Anyway, we thought “McDonalds at midnight and quizzes” would pair nicely with dollar sundaes. That easy savings sundaes could sweeten a blow of any unsuspected glitches that may detract us from quality sleep before another day of love and law.
I’ll admit I’m a little hard on everyone around me. I mean if David is going to let me use his spare computer as I have inconveniently left mine at home, a side effect of too many pain killers, a Rocky Balboa face, and a “crowning” wisdom tooth, he should at least remember the password for me to logon. I shouldn’t have to sit there for 10 minutes rehearsing ways to insult him from forgetting that the password is … my … name which he says at least 10 times a day. Unaware this fact, I gawked when he teased, “you don’t know how to spell your own name?” My birth name was the very thing delaying me from success on my quiz. Then I thought, ‘aha! look at the Universe! David, having used my name as a password logon to his spare computer, spoke to the Universe, and the Universe created this very moment.’ Before moving on, you must understand that this trail of thoughts is a sign of anxiety and pain killers. Instead of going into one of my famous monologues, I sat there calmly with a smile while he worked to get me up and running. Anxiety was best left unsaid … in this case.
Finally logged on at 11p, I struggled to sign on to Desire 2 Learn, a site where law students can find a syllabus and task list, with no desire to learn a new way to live a stress free life. I figured that, no matter the circumstances, between the excruciating pain of my wisdom tooth and abscess, the upkeep of my personal relationship, and the further branding and growth of TFHApparel.com, I signed up for this. I signed up to have it all, to excel at all things I’ve set out to do, no matter how difficult it may become, no matter how many dollar sundaes I may devour at 11p, no matter how long it takes for me to log on to my next task meanwhile mentally check out of love and into law. I feel like the things I love are perhaps worth suffering for … The freedom to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
I find it interesting that the Declaration of Independence discusses the aforementioned right to “life, liberty, and happiness” in the same breadth (yes breadth not breath) it discusses the freedom to abolish any government that causes unnecessary suffering. Then I thought: Now what does this mean to me and my life? What must I abolish to live a life of liberty and happiness? Are my governing thoughts to succeed causing suffering? And why am I inclined to suffer to succeed? Am I the only one asking myself these questions? With much insight, 39 men agreed to include “Mankind is disposed to suffering” when they wrote their grievances against King George III. Not only that, but they were willing to fight for their freedoms using the poorest quality of guns as we know it today–muskets. That’s some determination! Bows and arrows are more effective than that. Anyway, the thought of loading a musket with gun powder, in times of war, would’ve had me lay down my gun and surrender on the battlefield. I cannot imagine what kind of patience and focus it must take for me to overcome suffering with such a lowly gun. Is this the kind of attitude that can lead to success in love and law? As it seems, it will require that I use the knowledge and skills that I now possess to succeed, no matter how poor the quality. Some are better than others. Some I hope will overrule others … insults versus effective communication with insults being the plaintiff.
“… and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.” (source)
Could love and law be necessary evils worth suffering for?
I believe when two or more parties come to the table with requests, demands, and skills, that all parties should be willing to contribute time, money and good effort to produce and bring to life a product. I don’t mean to treat all things as business deals, but then again “I do.”
“I do.” That’s the phrase that pays. It speaks commitment and dedication, to a certain extent, depending how much and how often your ass really does something that contributes to an end goal. And be sure to really do something or be left at the table … Sitting alone … With your handful of requests and demands.
When people say “I do” they are voicing their dedication and are saying that they are in ready position. They’re ready to use their skills that they already possess, willing to exercise brain power for critical thinking for challenges that may arise, open to growth, and have all the time and energy necessary to bring about an end goal. With what’s required, no frivolous deals conclude here! No trifles. No insignificant figures conclude here.
Don’t come to my table with your demands unless you’re willing to say “I do” and live up to that commitment. Show me an investment, and I’ll triple it!
“I don’t and won’t.”
There’s so much controversy in these quotes because they reveal the ugly truth … Nearly about everything. Here are 5 quotes that I’ve encountered by way of people in my life … in the past 7 days. (“Why didn’t she say a week?” Oh, let’s admit it; seven days sounds more recent.) Please enjoy!
1. “Yes; there’s someone I’m with, but I would never commit to her because she has a child. And you know with that, the baby father is never too far behind.”
I wanted to tell my friend “No. That’s not true. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get back with her baby’s father and she’s not getting with him on the side.” But the look in his eye motivated me not to be optimistic in this situation. Friends don’t do that to friends. I just nodded.
2. “I never said I didn’t have a girlfriend. I just omitted it.”
3. “I love you.”
4. “You could be more consistent.”
5. “I just need to get outta this damn house!”
More snickering … We ought to listen closely to what people say and DO NOT say. There lies the truth. And I’m all about listening in order to prevent problems, follow up with solutions, and care for my friends.
One commonality for all these people: they’re trying to fill voids of love and other things.
Ok; this morning he is the not so persecuted gentleman caller. I know. Don’t call me a sucker for love just yet because I …
1) Explained to him that when things are important to me, they should be important to him
… And that’s exactly how I treat his interests. Fortunate for me, I was able to provide an example to prove my point. For men, I’ve learned long ago that examples are important. They’ve got to see the picture in order to get it!
2) I received some truth which was sufficient in this case. So I’m not trippin’ about that. And in this instance, I explained the importance of building a trust circle. He agreed. Then I received confirmation of what I already suspected. As juicy as this truth is; it could complicate things if not careful.
Oooh I’ve got your wheels turning now. Win!!! And …
3) Well 3 is the magic number, so I had to use it. Lol. No, I’m kidding. At the end of our heart-to-heart, I was satisfied with the peace that was made between us. So we’re moving on, happily.
Ok, so that’s my follow up on my gentleman caller. Have you any questions?! Comments?! Holler at me. 😉
I’ve been wanting to veer away from the entertainment writing and wanting to give you more reality. I have this thing about having honest conversations and, oftentimes, I stress their importance to whoever that will listen.
As I go on in life, growing, meeting new people and discovering more things about myself, I face more real people who have real issues than instances of entertainment. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but even their real issues can be quite entertaining in it of themselves. However, this isn’t true in this case.
Take for instance, a friend I have who struggles with death and loss on a daily basis. To avoid finding practical solutions which would take a lot of mental strength, focus, and effort, this person busies -self with work and extra curricular activities. Work and personal interests are this individual’s scapegoat … The loss of immediate family members has become a barrier that separates this individual from nurturing intimate relationships with family and others.
Without going into detail, I ask that you imagine having lost a parent, whether be by abandonment or by death. How would you feel? If you have lost a parent, how do you feel?
I’m familiar with the abandonment part with my biological father. I believe it affected me earlier on in life than it does now because I’ve learned a key thing about how to deal with loss and death–acceptance.
Acceptance. I don’t know how many birthdays had gone by before I stopped anticipating my father’s phone calls or his showing up to my rescue, but I had stopped. At some point, I accepted that my father’s choices were not going to define me and my future.
I’ve read many a stories about women who grew up without the influence of their biological father and how that led them to prostitution, drug addictions, and other irresponsible behavior. I decided that wouldn’t be me long ago. I had since then developed a self sufficient life where I’m proactive in my decision making, learning to prevent problems than getting in the habit of solving them.
My action plan for my life was my way of accepting the past because it was a way for me to add value to my perceived self worth without feeling compromised by how others felt about me. In other words, I gave to myself the love, knowledge, and perspective that I needed to feel whole without being completed by any other.
Perception … What’s that quote? “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.” Our perception yields our reality … The thought that becomes our action .. That action becomes the habits then later on our character.
Looking at yourself or perceiving yourself to be an abandoned person puts you in the seat of a victim. Thou shalt not be victimized! Don’t you hate when someone victimizes an active voice for a passive one?!?! Or speaks in third person? Whew … I digress.
Feeling abandoned doesn’t get us very far because with it comes the sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Now I’m not one to preach, but isn’t God everything? For me, he has been …
When I found a father in God, using him for a source of guidance and love, I found a father that would never abandon me … Not in my darkest hour. In finding footing with God, the Universe, I found myself abandoned no more … Victimized no more … And I had found peace … And was able to accept that regardless of the actions of others, no matter how irresponsible and hurtful, that I am not defined by their shortcomings (or excellence, on the flipside) but by my own feelings and thoughts. These are the very things that I have control of … And with this control, I shall not feel abandoned no more or victimized.
It can be a difficult concept to implement in your life. It isn’t easy. Yet with the right focus, you can achieve this way of thinking.
Prayer is everything, and a direct line to the lineage that gave you life and assured your legacy. Let it be known, that you can pray all day which is encouraged, but you must also take that walk by faith.
To my dear friend, I love you so. Acceptance is underway. I hope the days are near where you feel abandoned no more. Xo
Him: You wanna elope? Like right now? We can go to Vegas … like right now? You wanna go? Wanna elope?
Me: Blank stare* Increased palpitations* Nervousness* Smiling ear to ear
Him: We can do it the right way.
Destiny/Fate, we’re living it, and it has the magic to bring us together with ourselves … and with someone else.
The wondrous life of NIkki!
In a world where everyone has an opinion, it’s the opinion of yourself that really matters. It’s in those most private moment when we realize that we’ve grown from one thing to the next big thing …
I started this blog based on pure passion, just after having written as an editor for a magazine for over two years, been in advertising for nearly three years, edited many books and so forth.
I first noticed that I had a passion in middle school where I thoroughly enjoyed writing on a descriptive prompt that just so happened to be about Tradewinds. Me and my friends frequent that skating rink, from middle school and so on. $5 to skate, and they always had “Back to School” bashes. It was what we had growing up, something positive for us to do that kept us out of trouble.
Speaking of trouble … we aren’t always shielded by our parents and ‘safe places’ from harmful things of the world. From the office space to my home, I learned some hard lessons and healed from them through the art of writing. Perhaps, I’ll share some of those entries with you along the way as the blog continues to grow. Now that I’m taking more time out for myself, I noticed that I’m using wisdom from past experiences. I’ve been so busy indulging and making money that I had not taken time to sit and think to acknowledge my progress.
For instance, on Saturday, I received a Facebook message from a long-lost friend. Someone I had been foolishly mean to about a year ago. Why we stopped speaking is trivial. But I did something that I don’t normally do … I seized the opportunity to go see about her, meeting her for an impromptu mani/pedi date. And we picked up right where we left off. Normally, I would’ve just held a grudge and continued with stubbornness. But I’m glad I chose the opposite–Forgiveness. Surely, we’re not expecting to be the best of friends … however, we both understood that you must forgive in order to maintain a respect for life.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve received calls from exes. A few of them that weren’t so good to me. I can only remember a few scenes that stuck out with each guy and how I felt during those times. I was either juggling two or three jobs and picking up freelance work or carrying 16 hours worth of writing classes my junior year of college while working 24-hr long weekends 2 hours away from school … yea … all the while dealing with some mess. I remember going back to one in particular when things didn’t work out in my current situations, be it personal or career. At those times, I was dealing with rejection. With work, I always felt that merit should get you where you gotta go (promotions and all) … but that’s not how it works in the Corporate America; and I couldn’t yet understand that as a recent grad. Now I know better. Thank God! I no longer feel that my acceptance has to come from without. I’ve learned how to reach within and find it for myself. This strength comes with an air of self-righteousness. But one thing at a time; I can work on the latter later. The important thing is that I’m not at all entertained or in need of the past. The present is filled with all the right pleasantries …
I also had a run-in with a little jealousy … no names. The great thing is that I rebuked it with kindness. Sometimes people can’t appreciate your gifts because they have yet to discover their own. Prayer is everything.
Unfortunately, Friday, I was told that a ‘friend of the family’ was diagnosed with Cancer. My fond memories include me sneaking into her Sunday morning classes; she taught older kids. They’d let me stay because I usually volunteered to read scriptures, a task greatly avoided by her students. She taught me my first gospel songs. She has also watched me mature, from skipping classes to paying attention to God’s intending hand. My … how I’ve grown.
I say all this to express to you on how important it is to just listen in from your past to make better decisions today, so that you can reach your highest potential. And currently I’m learning that reaching your highest potential means lots of pyramid action: balancing the physical, mental and spiritual. It’s not ignoring who you once were but stepping out into the person God wants you to become.
Whether you’re an aspiring actor, writer, musician, doctor, lawyer, chef, marketer, there’s already a path to your success lying right ahead of you. But you’ve got to be brave enough to get out of your own way to get there, whether it be letting go ghosts of your past, changing the way you react to situations and or gaining a new perspective on life. With the changes that our nation is facing to the changes we witness in ourselves, we should forever stay pupils, learning our life’s path. And I believe that even when we don’t have the strength to rely on ourselves for advancement, we can look to God to feel empowered to choose what’s right for us, meanwhile let our gifts and talents be our outlet for healing, sharing and inspiring.
I’ve had a few women disclose their relationship statuses and situations to me here lately, and then I started questioning: “Are our friends/family too hard on us about our relationships?” We all have these people who focus on different characteristics that may or may not have any bearing on where we are in our relationship. Let’s run through a few common questions to explore their meanings/values.
Is he gay?– This is the most common question. Blame the movies and TV for an overflow of these ‘down-low’ images. Just go to the nearest salon, and there you’ll find mad women asking and confirming (without evidence) that gay men are sweeping the nation. Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there who could be dating a ‘down low’ brother, but gay men are not sweeping the nation. There are still straight men to be had. With that said, when someone starts confirming another’s sexuality, ask them lots of questions. You may find these confirmations are yet of a personal tale. It’s good to lend positive advice; but don’t go around badgering women with your Gay-Dar. Women, if you’re feeling this way, perhaps a conversation is in order. But please stop walking around thinking all men are gay. They aren’t.
Does he have any kids?- This is my favorite question; I’ll admit. The more education and accomplishments women have, the more reluctant they are to join an already made family (especially one with several kids and mothers). As I mature, I realize that relationships were never made to be perfect but to satisfy a harmony/flow amongst partners. I know sometimes we’ll find ourselves adjusting to unforeseen, unfavorable circumstances. Yet it isn’t the end of the world, and you can still achieve happiness, love, and harmony in the most imperfect situations.
Does he go to church?– Since when did church attendance become the single most validating factor for morale character and goodness? The men in my family have been loving, decent and kind. Seventy-five percent of them don’t attend church regularly. Furthermore, men who attend church cheat as well as men who don’t. And let’s not even talk about the likelihood of one … Cheating.
My advice: let’s not make this characteristic a pre-requisite/precursor to our relationships. I remember reading Richard Wright’s Black Boy, an autobiography, and exploring his sentiments on church. His grandmother raised him in a Seven Day Adventist Church. In this book, he discussed how church and the community discouraged him from learning and going against societal norms. Had he followed that path, he would’ve never became a renown African American Author.
Obviously, people still see church as a controlling factor, limiting their imagination, ambitions and dreams. Perhaps you should talk to your mate about attending church. There might be underlying reasons as to why your mate isn’t interested in attending. Get to the heart of it: don’t write him off just yet! It is my hope that you find peace with the church-going factor.
Alas, our friends and family might have good intentions with their questions and advice, but ultimately it’s you who are living it–your relationship. And look around you. Are you taking advice from single people? And if someone is suggesting the negative, start investigating and ask the madd Yapper: “Why are you so mad?”
Here’s yet another one of our love and relationship posts.
We hope that you feel inspired to love your mates a bit more today!
When you’re hosting formal dinners, do you create interesting conversational pieces for your guests? Are they imaginative and ethinic like Food Network’s Sandra Lee’s Table ‘Scapes or do you lay out exotic coffee table books?
My friends, both male and female, are finding it rather difficult to signal their partners for an important conversation. The ole “we need to talk” seemingly is out of date and sounds off unwanted, unnecessary alarms. But whatever happened to the ‘confrontational piece?” So I was thinking, wouldn’t it be neat to have a ‘confrontational piece?’ Something that says ‘we need to talk” without making our partners feel like there’s a breakup or ultimatum to follow. It has to eliminate all of the Continue reading
Facebook is a funny thing, I tell ya. If you’re not grounded, you’ll be inundated with people’s convoluted philosophies on life. I find that most statuses are good for entertainment. But I wanted to touch base on relationship statuses, and when I believe they should be updated.
For one, you know how we do (men and women alike). We are in and out relationships, official and unofficial, as soon as we can find our lovers at fault … for anything. With that said, wouldn’t it make sense to only change your status until it’s been at least 6 months? By then, you’ve gotten through your honeymoon stage. Ladies, you should’ve learned just how he keeps house and monitored mother-son relationship dynamics. On the latter, you should keep watch of its stability; that’s a strong indicator of how stable your relationship with him will be like. And men, you would’ve investigated her money management skills long before you’ve changed that status. Six months down the line, all parties should know if the person you’re ‘seeing’ has enough life skills and career alignment to be in a committed relationship in the first place. And you would’ve, if you’re paying attention, already assessed what behavioral patterns are favorable and or problematic. Yes?
Secondly, you SHOULD always change your status to ‘married’ when you are legally married or been binded through life partnership, whatever applies. Not making such legal information visible and open to the public is just suspect. Just what kind of operation are you running on FB if you can’t tell the world that you’re married? And we all know some people go crazy about their significant others. I don’t want to be caught dead in a situation like that. Futhermore, the slightest glance at another woman may land you a full week on the couch or worst. It’s my opinion that if you refuse to divulge necessary information, you’re lying by omission. A lie is still a lie. This ultimately is a red flag ladies (and gents).
Lastly, the relationship status I love the most is “it’s complicated.’ Is it really? And why would you want the world to know that there’s a crack in your foundation? Just clean it up. Take care of your business behind close doors and stop tipping off the jumpoffs. Yeah, I said it. You’re tipping off those who are looking for the least imperfection to jump in and give it a try for themselves. Unless it’s completely over, don’t broadcast this status. Everyone who is your friend on FB isn’t your friend.
Well, that concludes my advice on when to update FB relationship statuses. It seems like common sense. But we all know common sense ain’t all that common!
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